A body shutting down… ( part 3) Emotions!

There’s something quite surreal about thinking you may have cancer.

I remember climbing into the car as we left the doctors office reassuring my husband that it could be anything . Just because the xray showed a mass didn’t necessary mean I had cancer.

In my heart I was alot less calm.

I kept thinking “I really don’t want my children to have to move to their father and live with the influence of their evil step momster.

What about bear? He was so little. He needed me. What would papa do if I wasn’t here? Would the relationship between bear and his siblings still be there?

I didn’t want my baby growing up not remembering his mama.

Did my children , all of them, know just how much they were loved? “

These thoughts filtered between my mind as we discussed going home and packing my bags. As I stressed over not packing an aftercare snack in for bear. As I worried over who would collect him from school.

These were the thoughts that weaved a storm of fear within my mind.

We went home and I packed a bag for the day. My Dr had said the procedure would only take a day and I could be discharged afterwards, so I just packed a change of clothing, some toiletries and my cell phone charger.

I double checked the important things like my ID and medical aid card and threw in a few magazines to read.

Downstairs I packed more milk and lunch for bear and we climbed back in the car. We would need to drop bears snack and I could arrange with his teacher for him to stay for aftercare until his sister fetched him. After that we were to drive straight to my waiting bed booked at Milnerton Mediclinic.

As we drove to bears school my inner calm was starting to wane at the very reality of what I was facing.

My 8am xray for a pulled muscle was suddenly a day in hospital having CAT scans and a biopsy.

As the realisation of what could be ahead of me engulfed my logic , we stopped at bears school to drop his extra items off.

I saw my bear and my will of steel broke.

What if this was one of the last times I saw him?

As a writer my mind often dregs up the emotions of a situation and within my own life that makes me extremely sensitive and emotional. I have the ability to feel another’s emotion and often find myself crying at sad situations or movies.

This time it was my own.

I tried to explain to his teacher why he needed to stay for aftercare but tears had replaced any calm I was bravely putting forward and I explained between sobs and trying to compose myself.

I recounted the events of the last hour and I remember worrying that I hadn’t packed enough food for bear and that his sister may only get to fetch him after 5pm when school closed.

Reassured that bear would be fine, I used the preschool bathroom, washed my face and decided those were the last tears I would cry.

If I had cancer. If my illness was terminal I knew 3 things :-

  • Firstly , I had no regrets. I’ve always done the best I knew how to do. That is all you can ask of yourself.
  • Secondly , I have loved. I have loved fiercely and passionately. I’ve loved those close to me and those I hardly knew. I have loved through moments when I should have given up and I have always loved my children unconditionally, with all of my heart and devotion.
  • Thirdly, I have lived. I’ve seen places and done things I’ve dreamed of doing. Ive achieved most of my goals and I’ve learnt to make the most of bad situations and found joy in the smallest things. I have seldom woken up and wished it was another day or I was in another place. No, I have lived most moments of my life.

I walked slowly back to the car, ready for what was ahead of me


Those were the last tears I would cry over the next few days as I discovered my fate.

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