I’m a stay at home mom ….here’s why that statement is enough!

This year, I turn 50 and celebrate 32 years of parenting. I’ve raised 6 adult children, am raising my 7th child, and am entering my grandmother era.

I’ve seen life!

I’ve lived life !

And in those moments I’ve been a teen mom, a young mom, a single mom, a married mom, a divorced mom, a remarried mom,an older mom,a boy mom, a girl mom, a teens mom,mom to adults,  a step mom, an aunt, a granny, a teacher, run my own business ( well a few)worked full time, worked part time, worked from home, volunteered so other could work, run my home almost exclusively without any help and sacrificed a lot, financially; emotionally and mentally, to homeschool my children.

Stay at home mom 

Through it all, I’ve chosen when to be a stay at home mom. My husband has never “let me” stay at home.

In fact, for the most part, being a stay at home mom, as much as I loved every minute and worked twice as hard to maintain my home, raise and educate my babies and develop some sort of sideline income, was actually to my own detrement, when I found myself 20 years into a relationship I didn’t want to be in, with several children, uneducated, no career, no family , unable to drive and completely reliant on my ex husband who could use his finances and position outside of our home to make me feel like my position and what I brought to the table was useless, had no meaning, lacked purpose and because I didn’t earn a salary was not as important to our home as his role.

This is my story

You see, the complete opposite was in fact true.

Had I not stayed at home, even on two incomes we could never have afforded to house, feed, clothe and educate 6 children. We were two uneducated teenage parents. We didn’t have the support of family and we weren’t about to win a lotto anytime soon.

I chose to stay home as my salary in the 90’s covered daycare and my transport to work. There was no money for aftercare, school transport, clothing and make up or spa days for me to be in a corporate world.

One of us needed to earn enough to support our family and because his salary was higher as a man, I chose to sacrifice a job and a career.

I chose to stay home with small humans all day, often with no stimulating conversations or adult contact for weeks.

I chose to care for our home, with no domestic helper because I wanted to bring my worth to the table too.

I chose to cook every meal, change every nappy, take on all the default parenting tasks, educate and care for my children and not complain.

My then husband simply had to wake up early with his coffee brought to him in bed, he had to spend 8 hours a day out the home able to take a lunch break eating the lunch I had packed and got to destress in solitude on his drive home.

He got to meet up with his friends, maintain relationships and indulge in adult conversation and stimulating activities all day.

He got to travel for work, visit new places, and try new things, whilst I stayed home watching the kids.

He got new clothing because he couldn’t go to work dressed bad, where I often didnt buy myself anything for months.

But, in my mind, he was sacrificing his day and sometimes enduring  bad working environments for us and I was responsible for making sure the stress at home was limited so he could do that efficiently.

So, I learned to need very little. I learned to be happy and find the joy in my home, my children and the few things I did for myself.

And I was happy. I loved and still love being able to be at home with my children making memories.

I chose to follow him as his career grew, as we outgrew each other because my personal growth in any of my own dreams and aspirations, had been packed away in the name of being a stay at home mom.

I followed him blindly, slowly losing myself every day.

Knowing what I was doing was of importance, even if it was never acknowledged.

Understanding that what I was doing mattered, regardless of the times I heard the words ” Only a housewife” or “just a stay at home mom”

Acknowledging that I wasn’t a lazy woman choosing not to work, alloweed to stay home because my partner was so thoughtful but rather knowing that I was a loyal, loving partner bringing more than my worth to the table for the benefit of our family.

Yet, every day I was told I was lazy.

I was broken down mentally and verbally.

My self esteem was destroyed as society screamed as loud as the man in front of me that I was ” just a housewife.” ” A lucky woman whose husband let her stay home with the kids”

However

Nothing could have been further from the truth …….

What a housewife actually does

I never took a day off.

I worked 24/7.

I did the job of mother, wife, domestic and educators daily often in between volunteering and working as many work from home options as I could. Teaching myself to cook and sew and knit in order to make extra money on the side or to provide extras for my children.

I served my husband every meal, washed his clothing, brought his coffee to bed and more times than I can remember, lifted him up emotionallyand mentally, helped build the non-existent bond he had with the kids, worked free in his business, woke up early or late to make lunches or cook meals and endlessly supported him.

I wasn’t just his wife.

I was his PA, child minder, chef, cleaner, business partner, cheerleader and friend.

So why be a stay at home mom

 I chose it.

That was the life I wanted. One I believed in and still believe in.

It wasn’t fun.

It was hard work.

It was lonley.

It was demoralizing as there were no bonuses, days off or even recognition,  let alone appreciation for the hours and work I put in daily.

Believe me it was much easier to just get up and get to work on the times that I had worked out of the home, not having to think of anything for 8 hours and come home to just cook, clean, feed and bath the kids whilst overseeing homework.

After all, I could take the a day off work if i was sick or didnt want to work.

I could go to the bathroom alone.

I could finish a meal, drink my coffee hot and have no one need me for most of that day.

Working out of the home, was like a holiday for me. Only doing one person’s work instead of juggling the work of three people from morning to night, able to focus purely on that task without interruption and then get home to only do one person’s work for a few short hours before the kids slept.

How my husband benefitted

In the 20 odd years of my first marriage, my ex husband did not have to ever sort out childcare. He never needed to take a day off to watch sick kids.

The only time he needed to be at home was if I needed a lift to the doctor for the kids, on the one occasion I was in hospital for a procedure and when I gave birth.

He could appear reliable, loyal and a good employee.

He never needed permission to take a day off to watch his children.

He never needed to arrange a sitter as I was always, unquestionably and without a doubt avaliable.

I allowed him the freedom to grow his career, be stress free, work without drama, not have to take care of his kids or home and think only of himself.

He could appear a great dad, a good husband and provider because I never asked for more than what he could give, I sacrificed luxuries and holidays and I gave him the praise for all the hard work I was doing.

I allowed that by being a stay at home mom !

The truth is ….

He never let me be at home …..he couldn’t afford for me to work!

Stay at home working mom

I’m still a stay at home mom by choice.

I still do the work of 3 people daily, care for my home without help, educate and raise my youngest child but now I run a business too.

I’ve learned to build my dreams alongside those whose dreams I uplift.

I’ve learned to fill my cup up too

But

Most importantly, I’ve learned that being a stay at home mom or Just a housewife are phrases used by those who truly do not understand the sacrifices, the stress, the levels of daily work, the mental load or the important and invaluable work a woman who chooses to stay at home and raise her children does.

I’ve learnt that society will always demand more of a women and compare her to other women.

I know that being a stay at home mom is never acknowledged, seldom rewarded and often a completely misunderstood, thankless job filled with endless piles of dishes, snotty noses and learning to cut the apple just right to deliver on the green plate, because God forbid you use the blue one.

However

I also know the value I bring to the table in our home, I know the seeds I’m planting and the foundation I’m providing and more importantly, I know that I’m choosing to invest my time into my family.

So,

I’m just a stay at home mom 

But

That is enough!