Hamish has been at home with me full-time since July 2018.
Bonding
That’s 9 beautifully busy months of us bonding, playing and learning together.
9 months of me watching that incredible mind learn concepts well beyond his age and listen to his vocabulary grow as his imagination developed.
9 months of morning cuddles and snuggles in bed as the house became quiet.
9 months of a constant little human by my side and 9 months of me catching up on the time I feel my broken leg and recovery from my blood clot robbed me of with my little bear.
9 months where I got to use my skills and passion for teaching to devote purely on his early development.
9 months of “I love you mommy”, playdough creatures and long hours of reading together.
Losing myself
Also 9 months of me forgetting myself almost completely. 9 months of me putting aside my own goals to focus on my home, family and little boys needs.
9 months of juggling being a wife, mother, teacher and constant play mate for Hamish, owner of my blog and sole domestic cleaner, cook and gardener.
9 months of more demands upon my time daily, with very little help from my husband and absolutely no time to myself.
But a stay at home mom doesn’t work
Now, if you ask any mother, these sacrifices come incredibly easy and I most lilely would have kept Hamish at home much longer with me but lately I have found that the rest of my household seem to be under a false illusion that I don’t work … At all !
In fact I swear there was a silent competition amidst them to see who could make the most mess and which one of them would be the reason I snapped as they added to my very busy schedule.
Exhausted
And I found myself exhausted!
Not just tired but physically drained.
Frustrated at the lack of assistance in my home from both my husband and older kids and anxiously trying to fit everything into a day that started with far too few hours.
I was running on no sleep and caffine pick me ups. An unhealthy schedule where no matter how I tried my time management just did not balance.
Before, where I’d managed a park run on Saturdays and several hours a month of volunteer work, which I love, I could now barely find the time to shower.
I stopped looking for freelance work as I couldn’t fit a full written blog post into the two hour slot I maybe had in a day how would I stay up to date with any clients ?
I fell behind on my own blogging schedule when I first broke my phone and then accidently stood on the laptop in the dark. ( who leaves a laptop on the floor ?) I’m still trying, 2 months later to catch up.
Depressed
I no longer left the house unless I had to.
Going out meant I alone needed to first clean , ensure washing and supper were sorted for the day, get Hamish ready and try get myself looking human.
Going out also meant I’d miss the precious sliver of time I had to maybe sit down and write quietly.
I became anxious about leaving the house. Anxious about not sticking to my schedule so that I could fit everything in.
I’d wake at 2 or 3am in a panic needing to get work done and be so exhausted I couldn’t think straight. That would just start my frustration all over again and I’d find myself in tears over the smallest thing …like someone not replacing the toilet roll.
I was angry
Angry that my husband did nothing while I worked myself raggered each day. Angry that he couldn’t see how stressed I was. Angry that it didn’t come naturally to him to offer to help.
Angry that grown children couldn’t wash a dish or pack away their clothing.
Angry that in order to get anyone to do anything I first needed to bring the house to a halting stop by screaming at everyone.
Angry that this is not who I am.
My peace
The only person I wasn’t angry with was Hamish.
In a world where I felt torn into tiny pieces my calm was this little boy who hugged me with chubby fingers and told me he loved me 300 times a day.
My refuge were the quiet hours we sat playing or building puzzles. The spontaneous games and giggles.
I remember screaming at Brent that I wanted to just take Hamish and go away. Just Hamish and I quietly with no demands on my time.
But something had to give
Then I found myself in yet another pointless argument with my husband about just how stupid and useless and I’m sure I added lazy into that mix he was when I realised I could do one of two things …
I could sit back and continue on this victim journey and get swallowed by the negativity I was creating
Or
I could change it !
Making changes
I chose to change it! Something had to give. I’m not a stranger to depression and I knew I was heading down a dark path.
I would be no use to Hamish as a misrible heap of exhausted pity and thus ended my pity party.
We got a domestic in to do a thorough clean and I’ve started giving more chores to the rest of my household.
I’ve added much more of Hamish’s care onto my husband’s shoulders after I realised I had shelter him by doing it all myself.
Year’s of being a stay at home mom in my first marriage had pre-conditions my brain into thinking that my husband went out and worked hard , I shouldn’t bother him by needing his help at home.
Thankfully 3 years of being a single mom and being completely dependent on myself have also reminded me that Parenting is a two way street. You either both exhausted or one of you isn’t doing their share.
We’ve enrolled Hamish back into school and as excited as I am for him because I know that he will confidently love it, I’m worried about how much I’ll miss him and if they teaching him correctly. I’m anxious over his first day and I hope I’ve made the right decision to put him back into school.
As for me ….I’m going back to work.
That’s a little nerve wracking as I hate the interview process but I need this.
I need to remember who the me was and I need to have much more me time, intelligent adult stimulation and time to focus on my blog away from the demands of washing and ironing .
I also realise I can’t work from home because as a mom I work in my home first. That means I’m constantly running up and down doing things I’m sure others could be doing, like washing their own dishes.
Currently I maybe have a 2 hour window to work and with travelling and lunch times I’ll still have this time.
I look back and am amazed at what I can accomplish when I’m more forfilled in my life.
In conclussion
Will this fix things ?
I’m not sure. I know my demands will infact be higher and I’m not stupid enough to believe my family will magically turn into a fairy tale.
Infact I’m sure they will still do as little as possible, but I will hopefully remember the me I was and return to my positive, increadibly busy and productive , life loving self.
But …
The one thing I am very certain of is that I am loved very much by a little boy who calls me mommy and that makes this journey worth every trying step .
