Today I lost my cool …and I’m not sorry !

Today my child was hurt by another child and I lost my cool.

Am I sorry …

No!

Why?

Because I’m tired! I parent hard. I put the hours in to teach my child to be mindful and kind and share.

I’ve spent 6 years developing his EQ and guiding him into a gentle, easy-going child who is independent,  confident, and mixes well with others.

And the proof is in the play. Hamish and I spend at least one day a week in a communal play space ( Spur kids areas, parks, kids’ indoor play spaces) and he mixes well and knows how to make friends. Is gentle with the younger kids, has roughhoused with the bigger boys and I’m yet to stop a fight or see kids bully him.

Children playing in the park
Children playing in the park

Raising boys

As a mom, I’m super mindful of the type of boy he becomes. As a homeschool mom, I’m even more mindful of the children he hangs out with and of the need for him to be social in a group of children.

We live in a world where boys grow up under horrid stigmas and where anything they do is possibly offensive to someone. You only need to hear Meghan Trainor’s song… I am your mother to understand the negativity directed at our sons.

I’ve raised 4 grown men already. I’ve seen the world change. I know that if someone bullies my child and he reacts the only thing that will be seen is his reaction, not the bully’s behaviour.

I know that if he reacts he will be seen as a bully.

However,  If he keeps quiet and just absorbs kids hurting him he will be bullied forever and as his mom, I know I need to show him you can and should stand up for yourself.

So, I have a zero-tolerance policy for bullies.

Bullies

I’ve seen children retreat into their shells after interacting with a bully. My sons with Asperger’s have spent years dealing with schoolyard bullies and I know of a child my son went to school with who committed suicide at 12 because of bullies. When your child loses his friend to a bully through suicide at 12 and you spend months trying to fix that trauma, not forgetting what that poor mother of the victim was going through, then any form of bullying behaviour is a red flag and needs to be addressed.

I also know that a bully on the playground needs people to stand up to them because they feed off the power they get from hurting others. More often than not the bully is also followed by parents who believe their child is an “angel” or swear their child is not a problem, they can’t possibly be or they say their kids are ” bullied”.

And I’m tired!

I’m tired of having to parent for people who make excuses for their children’s bad behavior, who are too afraid to tell their children no, and who let their kids run mock around any social outing.

I’m tired of having my outings spoilt by badly behaved children, entitled parents, and a world too scared to call parents out when their children are rude, badly behaved, or disrespectful.

If your child is a brat, I promise you people are noticing and they are not as enthusiastic about little Johnny not waiting his turn, grabbing at things, or expecting to get his own way. They are most likely thinking they could never have you over for a playdate because your child doesn’t share, interrupts others, and just stampeded over the other kids with his me…me…me attitude.

I’m tired!

I’m tired of modern-day parents disrespecting the word “gentle parenting” in favour of lazy parenting.

Yes, I said it.

I’ve been parenting for 31 years …I’ve earned the right to call it out as BS!

Gentle parenting

Now let’s remember I’m a huge fan of gentle parenting concepts. I love the idea of connecting with your child, being more mindful and present, and allowing your child to make mistakes.

However

Your child does not in any parenting method have the right to hurt others, disrespect people around him, or damage anything. He does not get to disrespect social rules or break them. By this I mean things like not waiting their turn, using manners, or being quiet when others are talking.

Gentle parenting is being mindful of your child and gently guiding them it is NOT and never will be letting them do whatever they want.

You are in no way, shape, or form gently parenting if you are not guiding your child to be a decent human. You are neglecting them and honestly just being too lazy to step up and do the hard things.

Parenting

Parenting is not a means to be the cool aunt. It’s doing the hard stuff. It is putting the work in 24/7  7 days a week.

It’s saying No! It’s disciplining when you need to. It’s having your child scream I hate you to your face and understanding in your broken heart that the bigger picture is growing a well-adjusted, likable, unentitled, empathetic human being.

It’s hearing the hard things, facing the truth, learning, growing, and changing behaviour …it’s about being honest with yourself.

So why did I lose my cool?

Today started with a child I’ve seen twice who has hurt Hamish on both occasions.

Normally I wouldn’t bother seeing this child again however he is in our homeschool group and sometimes we need to teach our children that you need to mix with people you don’t want to.

After our first meeting a few months ago, where the child ran up to Hamish and another child and started hitting and pushing them for absolutely no reason and where I spend most of my time after that guiding Hamish through the museum away from this child, we came home and discussed bullies. I, for the first time ever, gave Hamish permission to hit this child back if he hurt him.

Why?

Because if your child hits mine first totally unprovoked and doesn’t stop when my child expresses pain or says stop then my child has the right to defend himself and as his mom, I will have his back ….fiercely!

So yesterday was our second meeting with this child and from the minute he got there he was trying to grab the easter egg packets before we had time to hide them, he tried to open the cooldrink while his parents were still setting up the table, and he started whining and rudely wanting to be first or get things before everyone else. As I handed out the eggs he wanted another one not content with what he was given. Now if he was 4 I would have overlooked this but at 6 or 7 your child should know how to behave in a group and wait.

When we did our ceremony he disrespects his friends when others were talking even though he expected them to listen to his talk. Getting up and distracting the other kids.

During play, I witnessed more than once how he kicked at the kids in play when he wasn’t pushing them. He plays much rougher than the others and should have been watched a lot more closely. I kept my eye on the play as I was concerned and honestly was looking to see if I’d need to step in.

I later found out he tried to pry Hamish’s hands while he was in the climbing bars. I’m glad I didn’t see that ….what I did see was the child push my child in the throat!

It was at that moment that I shouted loudly, as one does for the child to stop it. Had he stopped I would have believed that this was an accident.

However, even though Hamish was clearly hurt and I’d shouted for him to stop he continued to push Hamish hard to the ground another two times.

Yes, I lost it!

I clearly asked this child if he would like to be hit in the throat. Not as a threat as a genuine question? Would he like this behaviour back to him?

Where was mom?

Well, she certainly wasn’t watching him as he pushed and hit the kids.

She rushed over asking him to say sorry. Which really had no weight as he clearly did not care. There was no consequence. He just got to utter sorry and ran off to play whilst I now needed to console my child who was visibly upset and had done nothing wrong!

Then mom tells me the children made her child the monster so that’s why he hurt Hamish.  Again I would have given her that the first push was accidentally but the other two?

The first rule in bad parenting is making excuses for your child’s bad behaviour. Will you be excusing them in 20 years from assault charges?

So am I sorry I shouted at her and called her child a bully or that I’d told my son to hurt this child back if he hurt him?

No!

Not one inch. What I’m sorry about is putting my child in a position with a child who hurt him, where he was hurt, and where he is left to feel unsafe.

That is the only thing I’m sorry for and I’ve left our homeschool group because honestly, I will not parent or homeschool amidst parents who are not like-minded. I will not socialize in a group where my child is hurt or where I need to police the children.

We are responsible adults. We need to take responsibility and teach our children that every action has a consequence.

As moms, we advocate for our kids and keep them safe. That is not a safe space for Hamish.

Could I have been calmer…maybe but I won’t be losing sleep over it.

Sometimes we need to speak our truth

and at that moment my truth was to defend my child who had put up with enough of this child’s abuse and to tell this mother to stop empowering her child to be a bully.

3 Replies to “Today I lost my cool …and I’m not sorry !”

  1. Oh my goodness! I think I would have lost it as well! This is a very challenging situation if you are going to see him again.

  2. Ah friend this makes me so sad! Few things make my blood boil like children who bully other children. My boy is quite a soft-hearted child, and it’s so tough to teach him that it’s ok to stand up for yourself and if someone is being mean to you or hurting you, you can defend yourself. He’s so worried about hurting them! And the parents don’t make it any easier either! I’m so sorry you and Hamish had to go through this xxx

  3. I back you up 100% because I would have done exactly the same, good on you for deciding to leave the circle to ensure this does not happen to Hamish with the same child who feels his behaviour is fine and normal becuse his parent makes excuses. Ive had no issue calling out a child when I have seen with my own eyes the discomfort brought to my son in that case I couldn’t care who is around because my son’s safety and well being is of utmost importance to me. I also put time in teaching Malachi to be this gentle and loving soul and then 1 child tries to break it down not right. I teach him that bullying in any form is a No No and must be dealt with. Thank you for sharing your frustration as I’m sure many of us can relate.

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