Why I love my children fairly not equally

As the mom of 7 I’m always asked questions like……. Do I have a favourite child? How do I love them all equally? How do I share my love ?

These questions, are for moms with more than one child, totally unfair to ask .

Why?

Because, the truth to these questions is much deeper than a yes or no answer.

You see if you ask any mother which of her children she could live without she can not choose. Her life would be empty without even one of her children no matter if she is the mother of one or twelve children.

Luckily….

Moms were not just given big hearts to love and nurture our children ( and many other children along our journey), we were also given mom logic.

Mom logic you ask?

Yes, Mom logic is the ability for us to love our children fairly not equally.

What does this mean?

Well, to love each child equally means we, as moms, would always only treat each of our children the same as their siblings regardless of their needs.

This means we would treat our babies and toddlers exactly as we do our teens. We would divide our time, finances and attention in the exact same manner. So we would wake a teen at 3am to feed them as we do a baby. Or we would buy our 4 year old a ticket to a concert that their teen sibling wants to go to shortly after booking our 8 year old their license to drive a car because an adult sibling needs to get a license.

This sounds like madness …correct?

Whilst it is equal, it certainly does not help our children to develop and grow. It also does not meet any of their needs and would be totally impractical in many instances.

To Love your child fairly, however, means you know what each of your children need and you accommodate for that.

After all each of us is completely different and our love languages are not all the same.

So, doesn’t it sound more resonably to love our children as they need us and not according to a score chart of equality?

So how do we love fairly?

We love fairly by distributing our attention to the child who needs the most at the time and by attending to each of our children’s needs uniquely, with their best interest at heart and in accordance to their situation.

Let me give you some of my own personal examples.

Hamish is the baby in our family of 7 children and so he requires most of my attention, energy and devotion at the moment. To see to his emotional needs, daily requirements and physical growth I give him the most attention. Do I love him the most? Not at all, but right now he needs me the most.

Over the years having boys with Aspergers meant they needed me most and so they got the most attention. This may have looked unfair to my children and it never once meant I loved one more than another. It simply meant that my children needed an advocate and in order to love them fairly that was my role.

When my son battled his mental health issues he needed me to be his strength and so he got the most attention at that time.

When my youngest son battled to cope with a friends suicide, he was out of control and those around me thought I was too lenient. Not understanding the type of love he required at the time. He needed the most gentleness at the time.

When another of my sons was ignored by his father whilst all his siblings were allowed to stay with dad, he needed me most. He needed to know that someone was completely on his side.

So, you see moms although we love each of our children unconditionally and with every breath. We could never choose between our children but we can use our mom logic over the years to parent our children fairly.

Does this mean I Don’t love my children equally?

Of course not!

I love each child equally in my heart and I’m lucky enough to have 7 favourite amazing children.

But

When it comes down to the nitty gritty duties of daily parenting I’m choosing to love each of my children fairly in accordance to their needs.